The Remnants of My Life
by ridiculouskopec
Summary: Bella's life after Edward What is left to live for, to love, after your purpose for life is gone. What is valued? what is left to hold on to? These memories, these feelings, are the remnants of my life. reading would be a good decision on your part :
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: Don't own New Moon or Twilight!**

Edward left, just like in New Moon. This is my deal that Christmas after Edward left. Prepare for an emotional adventure. heck yes.

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The Remnants of My Life

Prologue: 

(From New Moon)

It will be as if I never existed,_ he'd promised me. _

_I felt the smooth wooden floor beneath my knees, and then the palms of my hands, and then it was pressed against the skin on my cheek. I hoped that I was fainting, but, to my disappointment, I didn't lose consciousness. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under. _

_And I did not resurface. _

(End new moon clip, accredited to the awesome Stephenie Meyer)

I had never felt as empty as I had when it finally came to me that he was gone. I mean, really gone. This wasn't another one of my nightmares where I would lose the one I loved. This was my life. My empty, broken reality. I didn't know how to live a normal life, like any normal teenager. My life didn't know what normal was, so how I could I go back to being that way?

He had been gone for three months. As each day passed it took a toll on my heart. I had no motivation to do anything except to just _be_. At times I yearned for an end to my bleak, unsatisfactory reality. It wasn't really living, if the reason _for_ living was gone.

I went to school, did my homework, cooked and cleaned. I spoke when spoken to but I never had any outward emotion. To have emotions you had to have a heart, and that was ripped out when _he_ left. I could only feel pain, loss. I felt feelings of self loathing; how could I really have expected it to be love.

I hated the fact that I still loved him, even though he told me that the feeling wasn't mutual. Pain further racked my body when I thought of the day he left. Though months had passed, every memory of him, especially _that_ one, was as in clear in my mind as ever.

I looked up at the white mansion before with, with snow covering the front yard and trees surrounding the house. It looked as though nothing had changed. It had known no misery, no heart break, and no pain. I let go of the mental barrier that had been trying to hold back all the memories. Immediately I winced at the pain that was overtaking my body. The helplessness overtook me as I fell down to my knees in the near foot of snow on the ground. I clutched the letter in my hand, picked my self up, and trudged cautiously towards the front door.

These memories and these feelings; these were the remnants of my life.

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Short, i know. just the prolouge. The whole story isn't going to be terribly long either, hope to post teh next chapter (hopefully edited soon!) in teh next few days. Lemme know ya thoughts! my second story, this is terribly exciting! GAAH! lol that was my excited exclaimation...! lol

**xoxo, review please! -- robin :D**


	2. Chapter 1

Well, another chapter! hopefully more peolpe read/review!! Just remember the prolouge isn't a first chapter, but a look into the future of the story!

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**Chapter 1:**

Today was the last day of school for the year. It was December 15, and the small town of Forks was in full swing of the holiday spirit. I had been generously offered invitations, despite my apparent vegetable state, to holiday parties from Jessica, Mike, and I even received one in the mail from Jacob. I had taken the invitations and gave a forced smile. They knew that I wouldn't come, but they were still nice enough to offer. At times I felt bad at how I rejected and ignored them all the time, but they understood why. I was just broken. Everyone knew.

The final bell of the year rang, and everyone jumped out of their seats anxiously and ran out the door. I gathered my things slowly, seeing as how I'd just been knocked out of my trance-like state. School was the easiest part of my day. My mind was focused on school, but I never really sensed anything around me. I went to my locker and gathered binders for the few classes that had given me homework.

I had been dreading the two-week break terribly. I knew it hurt Charlie to see me this way, and I hated to force him to be around me. I wasn't a full person; I was only capable of so much. Christmas was going to be hard ever since I'd learned Renee and Phil wanted to fly in and spend the holidays here. I had overheard Charlie on the phone begging them to come in hope of snapping out of my ever-depressive state.

Once outside I took a deep breath and looked around the snow covered parking lot. In attempt not to linger on past memories, I walked briskly over to my truck. As I reached for my keys out of my pocket I looked around and noticed a light snow was starting to fall.

Winter had always been my favorite season. It was a peaceful time, one for thinking. I opened my truck and hopped in side. The parking lot was nearly empty except for a few kids on the far side of the lot who were throwing snowballs at each other.

Though I had been trying to repress all the memories from the year before, it was a hopeless cause. Tears started to fall down my cold cheeks as I thought of the day he came into biology with snow dripping from his hair. I thought of the day he first saved my life from Tyler's van. The tears started to fall faster but I wiped them away quickly before I pulled out of the school.

By the time I pulled into the driveway at home, the tears had stopped. I sat in the warm cab and made sure I was mentally stable. Grabbing for my bag I took one deep breath and exited my truck. I unlocked the front door and hung my keys on the rack. The house was warm and brightly decorated for Christmas; it was Charlie's attempt to brighten my mood with all the lights and holiday cheer. It wasn't really working. If anything, it made me more depressed.

I thought of how this year would have been Edward's and mine first Christmas together. Alice would have decorated both the Cullen's house and mine more than anyone thought possible. Edward would have sat at the piano playing song after song, with me at his side. Esme would have made gingerbread cookies and houses, and eggnog. Everyone would have been happy, whole, and with the one they loved. But that dream was dashed. Broken. It would never happen and I would never truly be happy again.

Charlie had left a note on the kitchen table, where I sat down with a glass of milk and a PBJ sandwich I had made. I unfolded the note and read it quickly.

_Bella,_

_I should be home around eight, and I'll bring something with me for dinner. _

_I rented a couple movies yesterday; they are sitting by the TV. Since I won't be home till later how about you sit down, relax, and watch one? Start to enjoy you're break?_

_Love you Bells,_

_Dad_

After finishing my sandwich I washed the dish and laid it out to dry. Making my way to the living room, I found the stack of movies by the TV. The Nightmare Before Christmas, A Christmas Story, Miracle on 34th Street, The Family Stone. I opted for the classic; Miracle on 34th Street. Before I started the movie I went upstairs and changed into my dark blue flannel pants and a grey hoodie. I pulled my hair up into a bun and went back downstairs to nestle into the blankets on the couch.

I heard the front door open, and I opened my eyes_. I guess I fell asleep_. Charlie came in and knocked the snow off his boots and hung up his coat. He walked over to me and kissed me gently on the forehead.

"Hey there Bells. How're you feeling?"

"I'm fine."

"Well, I brought home some Chinese, would you like some?"

"Sure." I got up and stretched, slightly stiff from my unexpected nap, and followed Charlie to the kitchen. He set out two plates and got several spoons to serve the food. We ate quietly, the silence broken only for Charlie to ask an easy question about school or to tell me about his day at work. Once we'd finished, I got up and took the dishes and started washing them. When Charlie didn't get up or say anything I turned to look at him.

"Bella, I know you have been through a lot, but I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I love you, and if you need me for anything just ask. Ok?"

I felt horrible. What kind of daughter was I to treat her father in such a distant way? I looked at him, my eyes full of sadness and regret, and nodded. His eyes mirrored mine; I knew he felt that this was somehow his fault. I set down the dishes and dried my hands. I hugged Charlie tight to me and let just one tear fall. "Thank you, daddy. I know." I quickly wiped away the tear before I pulled away and went back to my dishes.

I spiraled further into my dark reality when I thought, _How long has it been since I hugged my father?_ Again Ifought back my tears. Once I finished the dishes I walked past the living room where Charlie sat on the couch getting into some basketball game on TV. I stopped at the base of the stairs and said good night.

"Night Bells. Sleep well." He smiled cheerfully before going back to the game.

I brushed my teeth and my hair and then got into bed. When _he_ had left he probably thought that he had gotten rid of all physical mementoes of our 'relationship.' All but one that is. Charlie had taken a picture of Edward and I before prom, and there was still a copy of it in my wallet from that night.

I had cut myself out of the picture because the only face I wanted to see was his. He didn't love me, so why should I be in the picture too? I didn't deserve to be at his side. He had been too perfect for me. I pulled it out from beneath my alarm clock, and looked at it for a few moments before tucking it back into its hiding place. If Charlie were to ever find it, I wasn't sure how he would react.

Feeling tears threatening to spill over, I closed my eyes and rolled away from the clock. I watched the gentle snowflakes fall past my window by the dim streetlight outside. A sense of peace calmed my frantic emotions watching them, and I drifted to asleep.

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Chatper 1 -- go review! you want to, just give in!

:D robin!


	3. Chapter 2

Yay! chapter 2! so, i know people are reading it, and it would be really great to give me feedback!

Enjoy another emotional venture into Bella's mind!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or New Moon -- Steph. Meyere does!**

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Chapter 2:

The next morning I awoke to a muted light coming from my window. There was a frost that coated the glass making it difficult for the light to pass through. It was late in the day, nearly 11:00 already. Sleep was a great way to pass time; void of consciousness where my mind did not have to analyze the horrors of my past.

Rolling out of bed, I grabbed a towel and my bag of toiletries and got into the shower. Even though it was the weekend, Charlie worked everyday; a ritual that had begun after my life was turned upside down. My lack of emotional and verbal capabilities was hard for anyone to be around me. After a long steamy shower I dried off and put on a pair of baggy grey sweat pants and a black hoodie.

So many times I remembered staying the night at _his_ house, and waking up cold. _He_ would have gone to his closet and grabbed one of his old hoodies and slipped it on me. How I longed for his scent to still linger on my clothes, for him to wake up next to me and tell me he loved me. After changing I looked again out the window. Winter held such a piece I felt I had to take a bite out of. I had never been athletic, but this morning I felt a craving to just run all my fears, frustrations, and regrets away. I dug threw my closet and pulled out a pair of running shoes I had been forced to purchase for that godforsaken class called gym.

I grabbed a pair of gloves from the front door and went to check the note on the kitchen table Charlie had undoubtedly left.

_Bella, _

_I'm at work. I'll be home late tonight. I'm sure you can make something for yourself for dinner. Don't worry about staying up or anything._

_Love you,_

_Dad_

I left the note on the table and then returned to the front door. When the door opened, my eyes were shocked at the complete transformation the green rainy town of Forks had taken. No longer were the roads wet with fresh dew, but a light frost. Snow covered the trees that framed the road and houses. It was magical. Forks had become my own winter wonderland. The sidewalks had been cleared since the snow had fallen the pervious night.

I locked the front door before taking off. Breath fogged out of my mouth as my heart started to hammer against my chest. I decided to keep it close to home in case I royally hurt myself on ice or some other tripping mechanism. I went a few blocks east of the house, a couple more south, then the same amount west and north till I reappeared at my home. The whole way, my mind felt clear and at ease. The winter peace brought by the newly fallen snow and empty streets made it seem as though time had stopped. No problems plagued my existence. Everything just _was_. It just existed…

All my jitters and tension was gone. My heart and lungs were begging to stop after not being used so intensely in the longest time. I unlocked the door and hung up my mittens and took off my shoes. I made my way to the kitchen rubbing my nearly frozen nose. As I made myself some hot chocolate I looked at the clock above the oven. I had run for nearly an hour! I reheated some Chinese food from the night before and took it with me to watch the news. It comforted me to know that everyone wasn't happy; that some people were just as broken and suffering as I was.

Charlie still wasn't home by seven so I made a frozen pizza, and went to bed soon after. Again, what had been my hopes and dreams of Christmas resurfaced in my mind; I let a few tears pass my closed eyelids before I fought hard enough to push them away. All these hopes wouldn't change anything, so there was no reason in which to dwell on them. It would never happen. I fell asleep troubled, unable to find a comfortable position.

_It's so much harder to fall asleep without him_, my mind taunted. Finally sleep came to me which I gladly welcomed.

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Alright, it was short -- but... well let me know what you think! 

Please review! i know you are reading this! ahahahahah

:D Robin!


	4. Chapter 3

Meeehhh. im really trusting my editor right now and just posting wut he sent me ---- too tired and busy to read through it! if there's anything crap about it, LET ME KNOW!!!!

Thanks! (reviews,,, well they rock my world!)

Disclaimer - So not mine. Der. (stephenie meyer's, that's whose it is.)

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Chapter 3:

This pattern continued for the next few days. I slept for long hours, showered, ran, and lounged the day away. I cleaned all day the Thursday prior to Christmas because Renee and Phil would be coming into town on Saturday, with Christmas Eve on Sunday.

Friday night there was a steady snow that had been falling since early afternoon. When I woke Saturday, the ground was completely covered in another layer of light, fluffy snow. Charlie was at work as usual, but for some reason I had woken up around 8:00 instead of my usual 10 or 11. I decided to run first, and shower when I came back. The days had been growing increasingly colder and a hot shower always rid me of the winter chills. Pulling on my shoes and mittens I opened and then locked the front door. The sidewalks were completely covered in snow, so I jumped carefully in Charlie's footsteps from earlier in the morning, and down to the street.

My route had gotten longer as I had gotten faster. I now ran for a solid hour or more, but I had steadily been able to go farther in that same period of time. The road had been plowed enough, and salt dumped on the ground that there was little ice for me to trip and die on.

I stretched my legs for a few minutes before starting out. Charlie had noticed my sneakers by the door a few days ago, and inquired about my running. I told him it was a good way to relax and that I liked it a lot, and he had gotten me one of those devices that count distance you travel when you run; another gesture of his love, one that I wasn't able to show him how much I loved him too. I pulled it out of the pocket of my running pants and turned it on. After a few deep breaths and final stretches, I started along my usual route.

From the front of the house I made a right away from the forest the encroached on Charlie's property and towards "downtown" Forks. The houses were each submerged in a foot and a half of snow. Cars were still in driveways, sidewalks un-shoveled, and newspapers slightly sinking into the growing mounds of snow in the front lawns of people's homes. The lights on the houses were covered in snow along with any lawn displays of Jesus or Santa. The Christmas joy was apparent even though snow had attempted to cover it up.

I heard the heavy scraping sound of the snowplow behind me so I respectfully ran on the opposite side of the road and waited for it to clear the road. Once it had passed I returned to my side, not wanting to get caught to get hit by any car who had dared to venture from their warm home. Sure, Charlie had gotten up who knows how early to clear a path for the cruiser, but that was because his job was to report for duty no matter the weather, even though not much ever happened in Forks.

Half an hour later I had jogged to the grocery store near the center of town. I stopped in and grabbed a bottle of lukewarm water. Aaron, a sophomore from school, had become accustomed to me stopping by. He had a bottle ready on the counter for me and took my crumbled dollar bills. I chugged nearly the entire bottle before I set it down and stretched again. It was quite aggravating to have sore muscles all day when all you had to do was stretch to prevent the adrenaline from getting all clogged up in your veins – I had researched one day when I felt compelled to turn on the ancient hunk of plastic in my room.

Aaron was a shorter kid with natural black hair and light green eyes. He reminded me a bit of Eric, only with much better skin. Aaron and I would chat for a few minutes about what we did the day before, plan for Christmas, etc, and other small talk until I finished my water, and waved good-bye.

The warm air of my breath mixed with that of the cold outside, creating white puffs as I ran. My breathing matched the rhythm of my feet, giving me a sense of calm and a steady pace. I tuned out the numerous problems that plagued my thoughts, and only focused on running. I didn't think about how badly Renee would freak when she saw just how bent up out of shape I was. I didn't think about the strange and disbelieving looks I would receive from her or Phil for that matter. I didn't think about the hurt I felt that I was broken at no fault of my own. I just ran, relinquishing all the stress that bogged me down since _he_ left.

When I was several blocks from my house I saw a strangely familiar car. Things seemed to pass in slow motion as we passed each other. It was a black Mercedes coming from the direction away from town. I tried to sneak a peek at the driver, squinting my eyes ever so slightly, but to no avail. The windows were tinted to dark to actually see who was driving. It was a nice car...and the only people who had nice cars in Forks were...

My breathing hitched and I was losing concentration on my feet. Reality resumed in real time once again. I caught myself just before tripping over a pothole covered in ice and into a snowdrift. I sped up my pace since the car went past me, not seeming to notice me.

It couldn't be. There was absolutely none, not a single, freaking way that _they_ were back. My heart was racing in my chest, adrenaline pushing faster through my veins. Glancing at my pedometer, it read just over seven miles. _Their_ house couldn't be that far away...and I wasn't that tired, not with all the adrenaline now coursing through me. I ran past my house and continued on the quiet roads towards the white house I used to consider a second home.

I passed another snowplow on my way awhile before I reached the hidden turn onto the driveway. A wave of nerves, fear, frustration, and regret washed over me. All the emotions gave me further drive to show myself that it wasn't true. _They_ weren't back, and I was just seeing things. The roads were well plowed, but none of the driveways should have been. Their driveway was the same case. Only, unlike the many snowed in homes in Forks theirs had wheel tracks covering it. At least three different tracks could be picked out amongst the packed white snow.

No. No. NO! Maybe someone had finally bought the house. A new family, not _them_! I turned and almost bashed myself into the mailbox. I opened it quickly and saw several letters and bills. I pulled out a letter and read the top line of the address. _Carlisle Cullen_. They were back. I turned and sprinted back to my house, an intense fear pushing me faster and faster, and my thoughts ordering me to get away as soon as possible. I couldn't face him. I didn't want to see them. I was broken, and I didn't want them to see me this way. Especially not him; he wouldn't care. Sure they used to be family, but no one would want me how I was. I was a pity case. People tried to be nice to me, tried not to stare, tried not to whispers worries about my father and I.

It couldn't be true. I ran inside, closed and locked the door, and sunk to me knees. I let the hot salty tears fall freely from my eyes. I was so glad Charlie wasn't here, that no one was here to see me completely unwind as the last truth I thought my reality held fell apart.

_They_ had returned.

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dun Dun DUN!!!!!!! drama! whoah deer. lol

peach tea does loopy things to me:D

i love reviews:D hint hint hint -- thanks to cody for editing!


	5. Chapter 4

YAY! Another chapter!! enjoy! -- to zintahfan -- thanks for giving me a chance to really think about my story, though it was pretty intense to read and respond to your feedback/questions!

**Disclaimer: I own Aaron, and thats really about it. Thanks Stephenie Meyer, for stealing that from me... not really lol she totally is genius.**

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Chapter 4:

Finally I pulled myself together and got into the shower. I turned the water on warmer than usual causing a fog to build quickly on the mirror of the small bathroom. I was trembling from the cold and the fear that filled my body. I had emotionally and physically exhausted myself in that hour and a half of running. I scrubbed away the sweat from my skin and scalp, and the delicate scent of strawberries filled the shower as I took deep breaths, trying to calm my hyperactive heart.

Once I felt slightly relaxed I stepped out and toweled off, hugging the towel close to me. I took a pale hand of mine and wiped away the middle of the mirror where I could see my face reflected in the glass. The girl there wasn't me. This girl had dull eyes surround by dark shadows. Her hair seemed lifeless and bland, with a face to match. This girl didn't seem able to smile, to laugh, to enjoy life. At least the last part seemed to fit.

I changed into a pair of baggy navy sweat pants, previously Charlie's, and a warm grey knit sweater. Wandering, as if on autopilot, I went back to the bathroom I dried my hair. I tried to look deep into the girl's eyes, but I found nothing but lost dreams and a broken heart. There was no happiness or joy, just dark sadness that plagued her soul. A couple tears found their way from behind my eyelids but I quickly wiped them away with the back of my hand.

Back downstairs I made a big cup of hot apple cider. A couple days before Aaron had gotten me to buy the drink mix, and I hadn't regretted the five bucks I spent on it. I snuggled into the old couch that held the scent of Charlie. It was a mixture of evergreen trees and tobacco; both which he picked up at his job since I knew he didn't smoke.

Pulling on the burgundy afghan I grabbed the book I had left by the couch, _Fever 1793_. It was a depressing tale about a young girl who gets caught in an outbreak of yellow fever, and is trying to survive. Her mother nearly dies; her grandfather dies, and is left utterly alone; just how I felt. Luckily for her she got a happy ending. Her mother wasn't dead and they revived the family coffee shop and the girl's lover lived through the fever as well. _What a lucky girl_.

I made my self some lunch after I finished the book, even though it was nearly three o'clock. The food didn't taste like much, and the book hadn't distracted me from my ugly discovery that morning. Renee and Phil's flight should be landing around 5:00, and I was in charge of meeting them at the airport in Port Angeles. They had rented a car but I was to lead them back to the house. I was glad there wouldn't be either awkward silence or questioning the whole hour ride home.

After procrastinating and waiting for time to pass, I changed into a pair of jeans and a beaten up pair of clogs and clambered into my truck. I arrived at the airport about 4:30, so I bummed around at a nearby fishing store. A manager at the store helped me find a couple pieces of fishing equipment Charlie had wanted for Christmas.

Five o'clock came and I returned to the airport. The small plane had landed and there was Renee and Phil standing with their luggage at their sides. I walked over and gave them both meager hugs with minimal contact. I politely asked them how their flight was as I walked with them across the street to the car rental place. I left them to get their car while I went back and got my truck. The two of them exchanged humorous looks as I pulled up. I smiled meekly and got out to help them pack their car. It was a Lexus RX300, light blue.

Once they were situated I got back into the warm cab of my car and started the drive back home. There were still very few cars on the roads, and I was glad Charlie had put the chains on my truck this morning. The roads were fairly clear but the chains made me feel safer, almost invincible. I found a Christmas station on the radio in attempt to tune out my frantic thoughts. It helped me to release some of my tension, as well as my grip on the steering wheel.

Renee and Phil followed me home easily considering the lack of traffic. I pulled up to the curb in front of the house and had them park in the driveway seeing as their car was a fairly expensive rental. Charlie was home and came out to greet Renee and Phil. He gave both of them a friendly hug and grabbed a bag to carry inside. I grabbed the last bags and followed the three of them inside.

They settled down in the living room while I carried the luggage upstairs to my room where they would be staying. My mom had promised me in an email prior to their visit that the two of them weren't really physical, and that nothing wrong would happen in my bed.

When I returned downstairs, Charlie had pulled out my junior year's yearbook, and copies of my senior portrait. I smiled and waved as I made my way past them and into the kitchen. I pulled out the raw chicken Charlie had picked up for me and washed it. Once I had seasoned it how Renee and Charlie loved I got it into the over and set a timer. I made rice and cooked some fresh green beans while the chicken was in the oven.

Charlie had found the ancient leaf to the kitchen table and fitted it in the night before. I found a dark green tablecloth just big enough for the table and brought in two folding chairs Charlie had found in the coat closet. Once the chicken was releasing aromas of garlic oil, basil, and pepper through the kitchen I carved it carefully and set it out on a simple platter I scavenged from the kitchen cupboards. Once the table was set I called everyone in, and we all sat down.

Dinner was quiet on my part. I ate slowly, nodded, and meekly smiled at the right parts during Renee or Phil's stories. They talked about all the exciting games and such Phil was having, the house in Jacksonville, and all about the beach fairly close to their home. When they asked about school I told them about what I was studying, grades, and my resentment towards gym. They laughed at me, though I was completely serious.

Once everyone had finished eating I took all the dishes and washed them while they watched a baseball game on TV in the living room. I heard several shouts of joy and disappointment from the station in the kitchen. With everything cleaner than I thought possible, I had no reason to stick around in the kitchen. The aged plastic timer above the oven read almost 9:00.

I removed my apron and turned off the kitchen lights. The three of them were talking more about Phil's career and funny stories. When I walked in they smiled at me, and Renee patted the seat to her left. When I sat down she wrapped me into a big hug.

"I've missed you tons Bella. You don't know how it feels to lose such a big part of your life." She pulled back and smiled, unaware of the gravity her words held. I did know. Charlie coughed amidst the awkward silence. "Oh. Oh Bella I'm so sorry. I just forgot." She hugged me once again, tighter than before as if to make her apology more meaningful.

"Maybe it's time we all go to bed?" Charlie suggested. Both Phil and Renee nodded and got up. I gave my mom a small smile, trying to show her I had accepted her apology. I gave Phil a slightly awkward hug and he gave me a small kiss on the head. I was starting to like him more, seeing as he wasn't pushing anything and had been seemingly understanding of all my ordeals. I winced internally as I saw Phil reach out to Renee and hold her close to him as they walked upstairs.

Turning to Charlie he got up and gave me a warm fatherly hug. The two of us had gotten closer since I had first moved here, but when I realized just how badly I had been neglecting my father I felt that I couldn't lose Charlie too. "Things are going to just fine. I know she has got to be sorry about what she said. Don't worry about it." He gave me a kiss on the forehead before he went upstairs him self.

I sat downstairs waiting for everyone to finish with the bathroom upstairs before I went and changed. I had brought down a pile of clothes and my bag of toiletries and stashed them under a side table in the living room. After fluffing the pillows on the couch I pulled the familiar blankets close to me and closed my eyes. My mind was wandering all over, and I was unable to fall asleep. Charlie was snoring quietly upstairs, Renee mumbling something to Phil about how guilty she felt about what she had said, and the refrigerator was humming in the kitchen.

I focused my attention on the front window in the living room. There was the light post across the street. The voices and snoring ceased, and the only sound I could hear was the refrigerator and my gentle breathing. My eyes slowly started to close with my eyes still locked on the light post. A single black car passed the window as I closed my windows and finally fell asleep.

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Soooo -- feedback yay!

My other story -- gaaah im really slow at writing. i have written a couple more chaps of this story, so i just keep asking my editor to do his job -- edit. lol. Lost in the Passion will hopefully be updated this weekend -- sincei have a 4 day weekend! YEAH:D ultimate funness. Thanks to every one for reading!

**Songs in my head right now:**

**_Time is running out_, and, _Apocalypse Please_ - Muse**

**_Lazy Eye_ - Silversun Pickups**

**_Color_ - Rocco Deluca & the Burden**


	6. Chapter 5

yay! updates! - trusting my editor here again... lol!

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Chapter 5:

As gentle rays of light passed through the sheer opalescent shades of the front windows, I peeked through my eyelids. I had felt as though someone was watching me. As my eyes focused on the shadows outside the house, I thought I saw a person standing outside the window. I brushed the sleep from my eyes and stood up. Today I had gotten up at 7:00, a new early morning for me.

I had slept in my usual running clothes so I grabbed my usual running supplies, and put on my shoes. Charlie was off work the next few days so I was glad he was still asleep. Since he wasn't used to waking up and me being gone, and since Renee and Phil were staying with us I decided to leave a note.

_Everyone,_

_Out running. Should be home by 9:00._

_Love, Bella._

I poured some coffee grounds and water into the machine and put the note by the machine. Renee was a coffee junkie along with Charlie, so they would see it. I left just as the clock turned 7:15. Stepping outside the sun had just risen over the snow-crested treetops. I followed my same route to the grocery store, got my water, and chatted with Aaron. He said he usually didn't work that early, only he was trying to get extra hours to avoid his crazy aunt that stay with them until the New Year.

I knew I would be trapped in the house with an over-talkative Renee all day, so I took advantage of the time I had to clear my thoughts now. I lengthened my course on my way back, taking the long way back home. From the grocery store I went a couple extra blocks south and then west past my house before returning home. The rental car was missing from the driveway, so I figured Renee had Phil run to a shop in town to get something she had forgotten. Grabbing the blue-bagged newspaper from the driveway, I made my way to the front door to find it was open.

I gave Charlie the newspaper and said good-morning as he sipped his steaming coffee. I wrinkled my nose at the over-powering smell and returned to the living room. I took off my running shoes and laid out on the couch to stretch once more. Just as I finished, Renee came bustling downstairs. She smiled when she saw me and came over and sat down beside me.

"Bella," she started. Her eyes locked with mine, filled with worry and regret. "I'm really sorry, again, for what I said last night. I don't know how I forgot about everything that happened. I'm so sorry that I was so inconsiderate. I've missed you a lot honey, and I'm glad that Phil and I were able to come and see you." She pulled me once again in to her tight embrace. I awkwardly put my arms around her and patted her back gently.

"It's fine mom." I tried to give her a convincing smile as I looked down at my shoes, and again back at her face. "Where did Phil go? I noticed the car was gone." I asked.

"Oh, I forgot my shampoo! I had Phil run into town and buy me some. By the way, when did you become a runner? I saw your note when I go up to get some coffee."

"I don't know. I just woke up one day and felt like running."

"That's good honey. Good way to clear your mind." I nodded in agreement. I had a lot to clear my mind about. "Phil agrees with that. He has to run a bunch for training for baseball. He tried to get me to jog one morning with him, but I just couldn't do it." She laughed lightly, replaying some memory in her head.

"You want some breakfast? I'll make some."

"That would be great! Phil should be home anytime soon." I got up and put my shoes by the door and went to the kitchen. After searching the cabinets, Charlie chuckling throughout my quest, I found a box of pancake mix. We luckily had enough eggs for the mix. Phil came through the front door a few minutes later and I said hello. Charlie called Renee and Phil to the kitchen where we each had a stack or two of pancakes. Again I cleaned up the kitchen and put away all the dishes while everyone else took turns in the bathroom.

After everyone else had showered, I snuck into my room and picked out a t-shirt and jeans. Since I would be cooking today, my attire didn't make much of a difference. Billy and Jacob Black would be visiting tonight for Christmas dinner with all of us. I asked Charlie if he had remembered to ask Billy to bring two more folding chairs, since we didn't have any other chairs for them.

For dinner I had planned a glazed ham, mashed potatoes, homemade wheat bread, and pumpkin pie, all that from recipes from my grandmother and favorites to Charlie and Renee. After changing I found my way back downstairs and burrowed myself away in the kitchen for the next several hours. I made the ham glaze and swathed the ham in the thick mixture and set it in the oven. I washed and peeled all the potatoes, and made the crust for the pumpkin pie.

When it was nearing noon, I stopped my Christmas cooking efforts, and made sandwiches for everyone, and we all sat and watched some football game that was playing. During commercials, Phil would flip channels to the news or weather station and back to the game once the commercials were over. Charlie was usually pretty calm about commercials, and rarely changed the channel during a game. With each flip of the channel during breaks Charlie's left eye would twitch a bit, out of annoyance. I could tell he was trying to keep everything calm and that he was hopeful Phil and Renee visiting would help me through my incessant lack of emotions.

Once everyone had finished I collected their plates and glasses and returned to the kitchen where I washed and put them away. I continued cooking by making the dough for the bread and setting it in the oven to rise for the next hour or so. While the dough was rising I mixed the pie filling according to my grandmother's secret recipe. I traded the pie for the bread dough once the dough had risen and applied another layer of glaze to the ham. I kneaded the dough thoroughly and put it into the oven as well.

The mashed potatoes were the hardest part. After nearly half an hour of searching, I found a potato masher. It was old, a bit rusty, and obviously hadn't been used in years. The next hour I spent trying to cut the potatoes into smaller pieces I could use the masher on, and nearly knocked myself out with the masher when I was trying to force it through several layers of potato pieces that refused to mash.

Finally the bread had risen and was a gentle golden color on the top. The pie was filling the kitchen with the rich smells of pumpkin, nutmeg, and cinnamon, and the ham was nearly done. The potatoes had finally mashed and how I was trying wisk out any clumps with a fork while adding a little salt and pepper as I finished mixing. The doorbell rang, signifying the arrival of Jacob and Billy. I hadn't seen Jacob since his visit with Billy after our first meeting at the beach. I cautiously left the kitchen to say hello to Jacob and Billy.

Charlie was busy introducing the two to Renee and Phil, and when I came in Jacob's eyes lit up. He hesitantly walked over and pulled me into a warm hug. He was several inches taller, more muscular, and his face had matured so much since I had last seen him.

"Hey Jake." I smiled gently up at him as I pulled back from our embrace.

"Hello Bella. How have you been?" My smile faltered. Things weren't that great, but not wanting to go into detail I merely shrugged.

"Fine. How about you? You've grown a ton since the last time I saw you." I said brightening the smile on my face.

"Good. I've been working on my car since Billy made good on his promise from prom." He looked down, knowing that it would spark memories I didn't want to think about. I tried my best to hold together and not give away the sharp pains that toyed at the edges of my heart. "Do you need any help in the kitchen Bella? Charlie said that you locked yourself away in there since this morning."

I laughed politely. "Yeah, sure. I've got the food done and I just need to set the table. Did you bring that extra chair?"

"Oh, yeah. It's in the car. I'll go get it." He said slapping his forehead.

"I'll come with. I haven't had fresh air in a while." Jacob smiled at me, brightening up his face.

"Alright. Billy, we are going to get the chair in the car. We will be right back." Outside the air was frigid, bringing clarity to my scattered thoughts. All day I had been worried about the Cullens. Would they try to come by? I missed Alice terribly but I didn't know if I could emotionally handle seeing any of them. And Edward. That would be the worst of all. The pain I had felt for the past few months would be nothing in comparison as to meeting, or even seeing him would be.

I snapped back to reality and jogged down the driveway following Jacob. It was some sort of used black sedan. In attempt to make conversation I asked him about the car.

"It's our neighbor's car. He was staying in La Push for Christmas, and since the Rabbit isn't finished yet he let us borrow it. How has the truck been? It looks pretty much the same since Charlie picked it up last year. That thing is indestructible, I'll tell you." I laughed and remembered the accident last year with Tyler's car.

His car had been crushed, while my glorious old truck suffered minimal paint damage and broken taillight. I tried not to think any more of that day, but I couldn't suppress the memory. I wrapped an arm around my frail torso in attempt to prevent the pain from ripping my heart out of my chest. "Bella, you ok?" Jacob asked as he closed the trunk door and walked towards me. Looked down at me and rubbed my shoulder to try and bring me out of my pain-filled trance. "You're freezing. Let's get you inside."

"Yeah, I'll be inside in a minute. I just need to clear my head." I smiled trying to convince him that I was all right and so he wouldn't tell Charlie I was acting strangely.

"Okay then. I'll go set the table then for you." Jacob looked unsure, but I smiled again as a way to say thanks and reassure him I would be fine. He turned and went in side, leaving me at the end of the driveway. With the click of the door closing I sunk to the ground and leaned against the back bumper of the car.

* * *

Hey! PLEASE review and tell me what you think! anything, i crave feedback, and i dont really want to edit when iget 3 reviews on something i spent over an hour writing...

please review guys!!!!! thanks for reading too!

robin!


	7. Au Updatesorry, but read!

**Author update!**

I know everyone hates these. so, i will keep this short. sort of. :)

Summer started, so i have more time. sort of. i forgot about this story, and i haven't been in the writing mood, so, no writing has been done.

UNTIL 2 NIGHTS AGO! WHAMO! bet you didn't expect that

So, i have sent my story to my new editor, who is going to be editied through the whole story, and these new chapters, so i hope that within a week or so i can have the story redone/edited, and new chapters posted!

I am having some issues deciding where i want this to go, so... its been slow for that reason too.

WHAMO! hey, i will be cutting this 'chapter' out when i post the new chapters! so don't review!

REPEAT! DON'T REVIEW. SEND ME A PM IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION/COMMENT!

love, and sorry i am lame. :)

forgive me? hope so!

robin out.


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